Whose Problem Is It? 3 Steps to Peaceful Problem-Solving in Your Homeschool

Have you ever found yourself in a power struggle with your child over schoolwork, only to realize you’re both feeling frustrated and stuck? As homeschool parents, we face challenges daily – from math meltdowns to messy craft supplies to missed deadlines. The key to handling these situations effectively is understanding who really “owns” the problem.

When I discovered the concept of problem ownership through Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training, it transformed how I approached challenges in our homeschool. Instead of exhausting myself trying to solve everyone’s problems, I learned to quickly identify whether a problem belonged to my child, to me, or to both of us.

In this post, I’ll walk you through three steps that will help you increase your peaceful problem-solving skills in your homeschool: determine who owns the problem, offer appropriate support, and work toward solutions that respect everyone’s needs.

Step 1: Identifying Who Owns the Problem

The first step in handling any challenging situation is figuring out who actually has the problem. This might sound simple, but it’s not always obvious in the moment. Let’s look at three types of problems you might encounter in your homeschool:

Your Child’s Problem

When your child is upset or struggling, but their behaviour isn’t negatively affecting anyone else, it’s their problem to solve. For example:

• Your child is frustrated because they can’t understand a math concept
• They’re feeling lonely and missing their friends who are in regular school
• They can’t decide which topic to choose for their history project

In these situations, your child’s emotions or struggles aren’t causing problems for others – they just need support in working through their own challenges.

At first, it might feel like you are abandoning them by not rushing in to solve their problems. Don’t worry – that’s not what’s happening at all! You are still there to listen and support them. The difference is in learning to give them space to come up with their own solutions.

Your Problem

Sometimes, your child’s behaviour affects you, but they seem perfectly content. These are your problems to address:

• Your child leaves school supplies scattered around the house, creating mess and chaos that stresses you out
• They rush through their work carelessly, which worries you as their teacher
• They constantly interrupt while you’re trying to work with a younger sibling

Notice that in these cases, your child isn’t bothered by the situation – you are the one experiencing negative effects from their behaviour.

It’s important to learn to recognize when this is happening so that you can address the problem appropriately and effectively.

Shared Problems

When both you and your child are affected by a situation, it becomes a shared problem that requires collaborative problem-solving skills:

• Morning routines are chaotic and everyone starts the day frustrated
• The current curriculum isn’t working well for either of you
• Neither of you is enjoying your reading time together anymore

The key to identifying who owns the problem is to ask yourself: “Who is being negatively affected by this situation?” If only your child is upset, it’s their problem. If you’re the one feeling frustrated while your child is unbothered, it’s your problem. And if you’re both struggling, it’s a shared problem.

Understanding problem ownership helps you respond appropriately. When you know who owns the problem, you can stop trying to solve problems that aren’t yours to solve, and start addressing the ones that are – which we’ll cover in the next section.

Step 2: Offering Appropriate Support

Once you know who owns the problem, you can respond in a way that actually helps. Let’s look at how to offer support in each situation.

When It’s Your Child’s Problem

When your child has a problem, your role is to offer empathy and support – not to jump in and fix everything. This can be challenging! Our instinct as parents is often to rescue our children from any distress. But when we constantly solve their problems, we send the message that we don’t think they’re capable of handling challenges.

Instead of fixing, try:

• Acknowledging their feelings: “I can see how frustrated you are with this math problem.”
• Showing you believe in them: “This is challenging, but I’ve seen you work through hard problems before.”
• Being available without taking over: “Let me know if you’d like some help brainstorming solutions.”

Remember that your child’s emotions – even difficult ones – are a normal part of learning and growing. When my son is struggling with a math concept, for instance, I remind myself that feeling frustrated is actually part of the learning process. Instead of trying to make the frustration go away, I can validate his feelings while showing confidence in his ability to work through it.

When It’s Your Problem

If you’re the one with the problem, you need to address it directly and honestly. This isn’t about lecturing or punishing – it’s about clearly communicating how your child’s behaviour affects you and working together on solutions.

For example, when my daughter’s craft supplies were taking over our house, I learned to say things like:

• “When craft supplies are left out, I feel stressed because I worry about the pets getting into them.”
• “I’m finding it hard to use the dining table because it’s always covered in projects.”
• “I need your help figuring out a way to keep your creative space while having a tidy house.”

Notice how these statements focus on how the situation affects me, rather than attacking or blaming. This approach makes it much more likely that children will want to help find solutions.

When It’s a Shared Problem

For shared problems, acknowledge that both people’s needs matter and you’ll need to work together. For instance, if your current curriculum isn’t working, you might say: “I can see this isn’t feeling good for either of us. Could we take some time to figure out what’s not working and what might work better?”

The key in all these situations is matching your response to who owns the problem. This helps avoid two common mistakes: taking over problems that belong to our children, or expecting children to solve problems that actually belong to us.

Step 3: Finding Solutions That Work

Once you understand who owns the problem and have offered appropriate support, it’s time to work on solutions. Your approach will depend on who owns the problem.

Solutions for Your Child’s Problems

When the problem belongs to your child, resist the urge to jump in with answers. Instead:

• Wait for them to ask for help before offering suggestions
• Use questions to help them think through options: “What do you think might work?”
• Share your experience if asked: “When I struggled with similar math problems, I found it helpful to…”
• Celebrate their problem-solving skills, even if they don’t succeed right away

The goal isn’t to make everything easy for them – it’s to help them build confidence in their ability to handle challenges. Sometimes just having you listen while they work through a problem is exactly what they need.

Solutions for Your Problems

When you own the problem, you need to:

1. Clearly communicate the impact of the behaviour
2. Ask for help finding solutions
3. Be open to creative ideas that meet everyone’s needs

For example, with the craft supplies situation, you might say: “I need a tidy living room for our family time. Could we brainstorm some ways to keep your creative space while having clean family spaces?” Your child might suggest solutions you hadn’t thought of, like setting up a dedicated craft corner or using portable storage containers.

Solutions for Shared Problems

When working on shared problems:

• Choose a calm time to discuss the issue
• Make sure everyone understands each other’s concerns
• Brainstorm solutions together
• Try out agreed-upon solutions for a set time
• Adjust as needed

For example, if morning routines are chaotic, you might sit down together and say: “Our mornings aren’t working well for anyone right now. What ideas do you have for making them run more smoothly?”

Remember, the goal isn’t to find perfect solutions – it’s to work together respectfully to make things better. Start small, celebrate progress, and be willing to adjust your approach as needed.

Peaceful Problem-Solving is a Family Skill

Learning to identify who owns a problem takes practice, but it’s worth the effort. When you know who owns the problem, you can respond more effectively and teach your children valuable problem-solving skills along the way.

Start by paying attention to who’s actually bothered by different situations in your homeschool. Are you taking on problems that really belong to your children? Are you expecting them to solve problems that are actually yours? Once you get clear on problem ownership, you’ll find yourself handling challenges more confidently and teaching your children important life skills in the process.

Just remember: sometimes the most supportive thing you can do is step back and trust your child’s ability to solve their own problems. Other times, you need to honestly communicate your needs and ask for help with solutions. With practice, you’ll find the right balance for your family.